I took a huge social media break, both Facebook and Instagram, the longest I’ve ever been. I probably won’t ever come back to that account. I haven’t done any YouTube videos or posted any blogs here for a few months now. It was a needed break. I thought I was going to keep creating and expressing through these online platforms, but God had a different plan for me.

Without getting too much into the details and oversharing my private life here, I went through a really deep transformative experience that only God and I knew. It’s like for the very first time in my life I actually truly felt changed, and it is something I’ve never expected or hoped for. But this change is what was truly needed for me to escape the bondage I never knew existed my whole life.

I came back here to write again. To speak without any expectation of others reading this post, without performing, away from this influencer culture—that I need to be great or perfect or whatever it is that pressures me to be something I am not. I want simplicity again. Expression is healing for me, and yes, I am still in this cocoon, this hidden season, and yet I allow myself to come out here as if no one is reading this. I don’t know if that takes courage, but I know that it is healing for me to just share, even quietly. Perhaps my future self is going to thank me later.

With this transformation comes thoughts of me completely deleting this blog and deleting all my YouTube videos. I thought about it many times—if I should just vanish my presence online into thin air. No one will miss me, and I don’t really have that much of a following.

But something happened. In the middle of a sleepless night while taking care of sick babies, and on top of the already exhausted mom that I am, I started reading my journals that I wrote five years ago when I was still in the New Age. I was amazed at how expressive I was, so passionate about these false spiritual beliefs. Even though yes, I was deceived, my energy and passion were undeniably impressive. If I was so passionate about my sense of identity back then in the New Age, why can’t I show this kind of passion and energy now that I am a follower of Christ? And not just about writing, but with everything I was involved in—like, for example, all of my spiritual practices. I am not saying this because I want to go back to my old spiritual beliefs and practices again, no. What I am saying is that I was so dedicated, passionate, and so zealous about what I stood for. I want to bring that into this new identity in Christ and even more. 

It’s all so easy to say, but around that time when I was in the New Age, I also didn’t have any children. Having children changes everything. You lose yourself, you lose your identity, you lose the motivation to do anything, really. I think it’s even harder when you are purely in survival mode. For four years I’ve been in and out of survival mode taking care of littles. I really don’t have the capacity to do anything, let alone contemplate life. I wouldn’t have guessed that taking my time back then to reflect and write in my journal was such a treat.

I am trying to get back to it now. Just write. One sentence at a time without really thinking much. Just allowing my thoughts to come and go without having so much filter, nor really caring about who is going to read it. I am done comparing myself to others, and I am done having self-doubt. Writing is something that I love to do, and it’s time for me to own it.