It’s been such a whirlwind event of personal transformations that I found myself recently, one that I didn’t expect but somehow it gave me the kind of reset that I need. I may not fully understand why but I am starting to accept that this is where I’m at and I am grateful that even though it was probably one of the toughest experience I’ve had, I survived and recovered and now, finding myself in place where I can start again, but this time, more trusting in the Lord, trusting this process, strengthening my relationship with Him and realizing that I cannot do anything apart from Him.

“I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.” – John 15:5

When I say “reset” I am not just talking about the physical aspect of it. This reset is something spiritual. Although it did initially start off as something physical because my intention was to lose weight – something that I’ve been wanting to do ever since becoming a mom. 

Around middle spring, I was determined to follow this 8 week reset to “lose weight”. I’ve always been wanting to lose this baby weight I gained during both of my pregnancies and postpartum. I thought that I was ready to embark on this journey of going back to my pre-baby weight. 

Perhaps I was overly obsessed with it and it put so much pressure in my nervous system. On top of that I was pursuing all kinds of creative and business ideas that turned into manifestation. Something that I’ve been wanting to do for a while now. But also, added to that is the fact that I am a stay at home and a full time mom with two toddlers.

Yes, my plate was beyond full. In fact, it was overflowing with all kinds of things and responsibilities that I thought I should be doing. It felt like I was running on fumes and in this hamsterwheel that I couldn’t get out of. And then one day it just exploded. Everything I thought I was gonna do or was planning to do was shattered.

MISCARRIAGE

During an intense week of constant working on my business and planning events – there was an incident that happened to my mom and my mother in law. They both got into a serious accident. My mom lived far away in the Philippines and my mom in law lives here in the same town with us but the accident happened almost at the same time. They both broke their bones from a fall. After that incident I learned that I got pregnant. 

After about 3 days I started bleeding and immediately thought that I lost the baby. I was only 5 weeks pregnant by that time and the miscarriage happened so abruptly. I didn’t really have the time to process everything at that moment. After a few days, I found myself grieving for the baby whom I will never meet. What breaks my heart is that I was already imagining myself getting cozy with my baby in January in the middle of a cold winter, snuggling and smelling my baby’s head. I was already thinking if it was a boy or a girl and planning on making some changes with my lifestyle.

INSOMNIA

Around the time that I had my miscarriage was when I experienced severe insomnia. Everything was just piling up and I was so full of anxiety. I was already experiencing insomnia before this but I didn’t really consider myself to have “insomnia”. Anyway, so I went to my obgyn clinic and told them that I had miscarriage and also told them that I haven’t been sleeping well. The nurse recommended that I should get a sleeping aid like unisom. I took it that night and to my disbelief, I only probably slept like an hour or two. The next day, I had zero sleep and it went on and on that I couldn’t sleep for four days straight. Long story short, I went to the ER on the 4th day and the doctor prescribed me Xanax which I didn’t take because I got scared.

I’m going to share more about my experience with insomnia and how I recovered from it naturally without any kinds of medications or techniques. This recovery is also a testimony of how God is working with me all throughout this difficult season in my life.

Spiritual Reset

Going back to what I was saying about this being a spiritual reset, I keep coming back to the words of Jesus:

“I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.”
John 15:5

That verse has become so much more personal to me during this season.

When God saved me out of New Age beliefs, everything changed. Jesus became my Lord and Savior, and I started following Him. I started reading my Bible, going to church, and learning what it means to live a life that honors Him. But looking back now, I realize there were still areas of my life where I was relying on myself more than I was relying on God.

I don’t mean that I stopped loving God or stopped following Him. I mean that there were still parts of my old way of thinking that I hadn’t surrendered yet. I still believed, without really realizing it, that if I worked hard enough, planned well enough, and chased every opportunity that came to mind, I could make things happen.

I had so many ideas. Creative ideas. Business ideas. Projects I wanted to start. None of those things were wrong in themselves. In fact, many of them were good. But I was following every idea simply because I wanted to, without slowing down to ask the Lord if this was what He wanted for me in that season.

Looking back, I think I was carrying burdens that God never asked me to carry.

My days were so full that I barely had space to be still. I felt like I always needed to be doing something, planning something, creating something, improving something. I placed so many expectations on myself that I didn’t even realize how much pressure I was living under.

Then everything stopped.

The miscarriage. The insomnia. The anxiety. The fear.

I don’t pretend to know why those things happened, and I don’t believe every hardship is a punishment from God. But I do believe that God used this painful season to expose the places where I had been relying on myself instead of depending on Him.

He slowed me down.

He stripped away so many of the things I thought I needed to be doing.

He showed me that I am not in control, and maybe I was never meant to be.

Those four nights without sleep were some of the darkest nights I’ve ever experienced. I remember praying over and over again, asking God to let me sleep. I read Scripture because it was the only place where I could find peace when everything else felt uncertain.

One passage that stayed with me was when Jesus tells us not to worry about tomorrow because tomorrow will worry about itself. He points to the birds of the air and reminds us that our heavenly Father cares for them. If God faithfully cares for the birds, how much more will He care for His children?

Those words became more than comforting verses. They became something I had to cling to.

As I slowly recovered, I also found myself stepping away from constantly chasing the next thing. I still help with our food truck, and I still enjoy creating and dreaming, but something has changed in my heart.

Instead of filling every free moment with another project, I’ve been spending more time simply being present with my family. I’ve been praying more. Reading Scripture more. Learning to be still before the Lord.

I’m still learning, and I know I have a long way to go. But this season reminded me of what really matters.

It reminded me that apart from Christ, I can do nothing.

Not because He is waiting for me to fail, but because every good thing I have comes from Him. Every strength I have comes from Him. Every opportunity comes from Him. Even my next breath is a gift from Him.

Looking back now, I wouldn’t have chosen this season. I wouldn’t have chosen the grief, the sleepless nights, or the uncertainty. But I can honestly say that God met me in that valley.

He was faithful when I was afraid.

He was near when I felt alone.

He carried me when I had nothing left to give.

I’m still healing. I’m still growing. I’m still learning what it means to trust Him one day at a time. But if there’s one thing this season has taught me, it’s this:

Apart from Him, I truly can do nothing.